One of those days.

It's one of those days where it's cold and rainy and you just want to bundle up in blankets. And look out the window at the rain. And cuddle. Which is a word that I hate to use. Bleh. But. Seeing as the closest thing I have to cuddle with is my stuffed giraffe, Gilbert will have to do.

Let's be Happy :D

I just want to be really happy.

Gotta love hiding how you feel and pretending everything's alright.

NSR :D

New Student Retreat was amazing!!!! I loved it. It really helped me see things in a different light and definitely helped me in my faith... which I wasn't sure it was going to do.

I loved the talk we had the first night. We talked about how we know God loves us because it's been drilled into us. Yes God loves me blah blah blah. I know. But I don't always feel it.

But the way they put it was cool. CJ (I think that was his name) asked us if we knew that God liked us? Which is weird to think about. Does he like who we are? Or does he just love us because he has to. Of course he likes us... he made us... It's just cool to think.. "oh God likes my weird laugh... or God likes my hair..." Then he asked if we thought God would like to spend time with us? Which is also an odd concept. He said God would rather play video games with us than keep Jupiter spinning for instance. That's kinda crazy :D

We had a crazy dance party that night which was really fun but.... I have no rhythm and can't dance. I wasn't really embarrassed though because I knew people were all going crazy and weren't going to make fun of me for something so insignificant as the stupid way I "dance"... or pelvic thrust through a dance circle. Tehe.

Saturday we had a lot of free time which was fun. I really liked the worship that night though because they had 4 seniors talk about their testament. I really related to one of the girls because

1.) she used to go to my gymnastics a million years ago and I remembered her.

2.) she talked about body image issues which I kind of have.

I loved her message though. She was talking about how God made you the way you are and yes you should strive to be healthy but he thinks you're beautiful. If you're a size 0 or 4 or 14 he still loves you... God doesn't care how big your legs are or if your eyelashes aren't dark enough. Which is comforting. I wish everyone was like that.

After that we did our skits. Which were hilarious. It was awesome to see humor that didn't have to be mean or extremely vulgar.. it's nice sometimes.

Ok I'm almost done. Bah. My favorite song this weekend ----> "and if our God is for us then who could ever stop us." I like that line. It's comforting. And it's not a question. It's a fact. That's just how it is. It's a lot harder to believe in that than to ignore it. In my opinion. It's hard to believe in something you can't hold in your hands. You just have to jump I guess.

Blahhh.

So. Everyone. Aka the 7 people that claim to read this occasionally. I'm officially going on a Not Diet. No that doesn't mean I'm going to eat pizza and french fries. (Like I've done this whole week). It just means that I'm not going to starve myself but try to "eat better" ehhh I kind of hate when people say that. But I really want to. I've been eating crap and I've been feeling like crap and speaking of which I should probably crap more often. But I'm sure the crap I'm eating is affecting that too ;) Sorry for being graphic but. I felt that it needed to be said. Muahaha. Ok. But I realized i haven't eaten any fruit since I've gotten to JMU so that's my first step... trying to eat one piece of fruit at every mealio. And. Sadly. I need to drink more water and less blue powerade. Wahhhh.

But hopefully by saying I'm going to do this and putting it on a blog where some of my best friends can see it will make me motivated to actually do it?

Let's see how that goes.....

Bye bye french fries......

P Diddy

Wake up in the morning feeling like....... an arthritic grandma whose whole body needs to be cracked.

Bedfellows.......

Am I right to be a little worried about sleeping with the door open? I love my roommate, but she asked me to open the door as we were getting in bed because it was so hot. I personally get freaked out by sleeping with the door open... even in my own house. Soooo I'm a little sketched out right now. I don't like the thought of random people being able to see me while I'm sleeping.. especially because we're the first room on the hall. Anddddd not that I think anyone will take my stuff, but I mean if someone did decide to be bitchy and take my lap top or something I'd be pissed!! Bahh. I don't want to make her mad so I'm going to try to leave the door open. Hopefully I can fall asleep. Without anything getting stolen. Or being watched. Or being raped. Wahhhhhhhh sweet baby Jesus help me.

Tehe. No but seriously.

Oh hey.

Blaaaaaah I am a kraken from the sea!!!!!!!!!!

You should know but you probably don't. Suckaaaaaa!!!!

Damn I have to do homework.

"Are you his new body guard, Dolly???"

Intervarsity was fun todayyyy. After dinner we were split up into 3 groups and we had to do a scavenger hunt throughout the campus. Some of the things we had to do included.....

-jumping in one of the fountains

-getting a stranger to kiss one of our hands.. (we saw Jack and I told him to kiss Taylor's hand..)

-getting into a pyramid

-taking a picture in a bathroom

-ballroom dancing with a stranger

-taking a picture with a Top Dog employee

-getting a picture with a squirrel (they used me as the squirrel...)

You get the picture. It was really funny. Later we decorated journals that we're supposed to bring to the RETREATTTTT!!!! I am so excited for that! Tis this weekend!! It's gonna be fun! Mmkay back to homework.

Happiness :D

Just one of many things that make me happy :D Gotta love it.

Hey thanks...

Thanks for talking to me for 4 hours and explaining things to me that I don't understand. And thank you for not totally making fun of me when I make weird noises...... and when I'm stupid and don't know how to do things and still haven't.......

Thanks for telling me I'm pretty in some way every day.. and thank you for letting me burp :D

Thanks for basically doing anything for me... even possibly letting me go if that's what I wanted.

Thank youuuuu for accepting the fact that I don't like your crazy music..... and that we agree to disagree.

Thanks for being patient because I'm a little wild and crazy and nosy and stubborn and confusing and impatient myself. Thanks for talking to me after I didn't talk to you.

And thanks for not being ugly ;)

Food babies, Ben and Jerry's, and JMU movie nights :D

So despite being the only girls on the JMU campus who did NOT go out and get totally wasted last night, we still had fun. Bea, Hanna and I went to D Hall (my fave) and ate a LOT. Phoebe, my food baby for those of you who didn't know, was basically about to be birthed. It was fun though. We were laughing so hard we probably made a scene. Yall know how loud I laugh.....

Afterwards though we watched Wall E. It was funnnn! We went to get Ben and Jerry's at some point... and we ran into Claudia. She wanted to watch a movie so we were nice and befriended her for the night. No more comments on that subject. We watched Waterboy which was ok but it was fun being with everyone. Thennn we went to sleepy. And I woke up at 1:30 this afternoon. Not complaining :D

It's always me who's reaching out for your hand. I'm sick of being nice. No one comes to me. I always go to them. I miss my old friends. They answered back, they sought me out just as much as I did for them, they were there for me, I thought that's how it would be here but I guess some people are just sick of me. Good to know! I love people that take advantage of my friendship :D

While she was cleaning....

I got bored whilst cleaning so. I took pictures. What else is new.

lookin out my window

I want to go back and change things. I want to go really far away from anywhere familiar. I wish I could breath underwater. I like being up high. I care too much about everything and everyone and how I look and how much I'm loved. I love attention. YES I take pictures because I am a little conceited. I am. I just am. I fascinate myself. I wish people loved me as much as I loved them. I'm too lazy to think things through so I usually don't. I cry a lot. I cry about gymnastics, I cry about school, I cry about people, I cry about things that haven't even happened. I wish I was a movie star. I jump to conclusions and I think about things too far in advance. I think about the future too much. I think about marriage I think about babies I think about jobs I think about growing old. I like fighting with people. Drama is exciting as long as it's not serious. I am so scared of the dark. I'm more scared of my brothers dying. Failure scares me. I don't like failing. I want to go horseback riding. I wish I was invisible sometimes so I could take pictures of people without them thinking I'm a weirdo. I wish I had better faith. I wish I wanted to try to be a better person. I like hogging the conversation. When I see stars.... and I mean when I really see stars without lights around me... I just want to be in them. I don't know how but I just want everything to be stars. I just want to be extremely happy wherever I am.

I want a hot air balloon ride

That being said...

Anyways. I've been too lazy to write but now I'm too lazy to do work. This weekend was fun! Eric came on Friday and we just hung out all weekend. It was fun :D I was sad when he left though. He thinks I'm not as goofy as I used to be. I feel like even though I've only been here for....3 weeks I've already matured a little. I was really dependent on people back at home and now I (like everyone else in college) am forced to do things on my own. I like it though. I like being on my own... being my own person.

I don't want to change too much though. I still want to be me. I don't want to forget about my old life... my old friends. I think I've done a pretty good job with that. I just don't want to forget how life used to be. Everything's changing but I want some things to stay the same.

I kind of want to visit home but I don't think I should yet.... I feel like I need to stay here a little longer before I go back. Luckily I have Jack here. Honestly he's the closest family I have so having him here doesn't make me miss home too much. It's weird to say but he's one of my closest friends... he wouldn't ever admit to that either because he's not very emotion-y or because it isn't entirely true for him, but I'm ok with that. I'm so glad I have him because it's like having a guy friend but he completely understands everything... we have the same blood. It's just that much better because we're related and nothing can change that.... if we ever got in a fight I could go back to him 30 years later and say "you're my brother so please let me in." You know? It's honestly something I can't explain fully. Not even to people with sisters... it isn't quite the same. I'm just grateful I have it.

:D

That came out of nowhere. Bahhhhhhh. And if he read this I may or may not be a little mortified.

It sucks not being needed anymore.

Still holding on. . .

Chalky hands. Freezing feet in the winter. Awful Saturday morning practices. Disgusting hands. Larissa throwing things at me. Making everyone in the group laugh. Cussing in front of everybody. Being together. Drama. Doing pretty things. Crying on beam. Having the closest thing to sisters than I'll ever get. Always being the one who gets in trouble. Wedgies. Thursdays. Avoiding pit because we know what really goes on in there. Finally getting what I wanted and walking away from it........... I can't let go. Of this. Of anything.... And it sucks.

wheeeeeeee

Today was pretty gooda gooda. I had psych, math, and spanish. I had a minor freak out about spanish but Eric calmed me down :D

I get a little irrational sometimes. But I did get a lot of homework done today which felt good. I had a small group dinner for intervarsity which was fun! Yay! We went to dinner with everyone in our small group then went out to the quad and played some games, got to know each other a little better, and talked a bit. I'm really excited for this because we get to spend time with a group of about 12ish girls. So hopefully we'll become friends and I'll be a better Christian. I've definitely fallen out of it. Which makes me sad but it's my fault so I guess I can't blame anyone but myself. I'm getting used to/starting to enjoy this whole college thing. Which makes me extremely happy!!! Still miss my friends and home and Eric though. Wah. But definitely getting better.

. . . . And what a beautiful mess this is. . . .

:D

"Peace! Love and Happiness!!"

Today we had Intervarsityyyy! I really liked it. We all met and up and our small group leaders (Melissa and Betsey) asked if we would get in their cars.... kinda sketchy sounding! But we all crammed in and drove to their house. They then proceeded to ask us what their similarities were.... and we obviously said "you both have curly hair...." So in order to unify us they curled all of our hair. It was quite fun. Then we drew hippie symbols all over ourselves before we completely failed at the volleyball tournament with the other groups. That's ok. It was still fun. Then they took us to the arboretum and we played a game and talked and it was nice. Tomorrow we're meeting for a small group dinner. Every monday I think. I'm so excited I have a thing to go to now! Yay! Excitement :D

"You're a freak." "Then why do you hang out with me?" "Because I still like you.."

Today has been pretty good so far. I woke up early. Showered. Got ready for class. Checked my email. And saw that class was cancelled. Which was nice... but.... I had already gotten ready!! And I can't sleep during the day. So I just did laundry for the first time.... I didn't ruin my clothes! I also cleaned because KATHRYN IS COMING THIS WEEKEND! SO STOKED! And I did a little Spanish, Psych, that's about all. Then I ate lunch with Samantha by the lake. It was pretty. Then we walked to the outpost. (a cheaper version of the JMU bookstore). Thennnnn we chilled in her dorm and thennnn we went to Target. We didn't realize that the bus that took us there wouldn't bring us back to school for over an hour so I called my brother to come pick us up. Twas very nice of him. Then we ate burnt cheeseburgers...fries... and cookies for dinner. So much for our diet. It was fun though. Me and Sam spend way too much time with each other. We're rooming together next year though so I'm excited :D I love that girl haha. Even though she thinks I'm a freak.

It's only been a week and it's just hard. I wish I wasn't like this... I wish I could be fine by myself and independent and not need anyone but I do. And it sucks.. but it's obviously amazing at the same time. And I don't feel like explaining myself because this is for me and whoever the hell wants to read it can and if you don't know what I'm talking about I don't give a shiiiiiiihite. I'm happy but I always feel worse at night... I hate how I get like this. But it makes me sad. However pathetic that is. I love having someone that is really nice.... no one else is that nice to me but it sucks not seeing them and it sucks that it sucks.. it sucks that I can't be jumping for joy and I have to get all mopey when I hear he's having more fun than I am and that I get jealous of all his friends because they get to hang out with him and I don't or even random girls that get to hang out with him when I don't get to. I like telling him everything and it's hard to when you don't get to see them. And I wouldn't be venting if it wasn't worth going through. It's not like I don't want to.