Oh Monday....

.... This is why I love you.....

Accidentally sleeping through gcom.... and waking up only 4 minutes before having to leave for Spanish.....

Walking outside to find buckets of water descending from the sky..... and a whole lot of wind to render umbrellas useless.......

....Jeans soaked through for the next class.... water in boots..... mmmm love pruny soggy feet don't you?

Realizing that my phone was in my jean pockets.. yeah that was smart. Non-working phones are a joy...

Going to UREC to work off the stress is a good thing though. It made my thighs happy. Hehe.

Chillin in my dorm for the rest of the night, well, being kicked out and going to the library because of a fire drill counts as chillin I guess, I'm takin a break from small group tonight, gotta clear my head.

HAPPY MONDAY EVERYONE!

Unexpected but fun

weekend. So Friday night Eric basically decided to come visit me at 11, so he got here at about 1 am. I'm not complaining, it was nice.

Saturday my mom, dad, and mike came up to have lunch with us because Jack isn't going to be home on spring break and they wanted to at least see him. Kelly and obviously Eric came along with us and it was really fun. My family is quite loud and rambunctious.

Anywho, I basically just bummed around all weekend, which was fine with me. I like that. It's cool dawg, espesh when I have my boyfriend hur with me.

He left today and twas a little sad, but not really because I shall see him and KATHRYN STRIZZY STRAW next week. Holla. Holla to the max. Tehehe.

To sum it all up, twas a lovely weekend.

HELLO FRIDAY!

Alright. So it's only 10:32 according to my Mac, but it has already been a stupendous Friday!!

.....because..... I AM DONE WITH MY GCOM SPEECH ABOUT TATTOOS! And I did not spaz. too much. And my teacher said we did well overall. And we did better than the group after us, not that I want them to do bad, it's just nice to hear I suppose.

And the weather is lovely. Walking by the lake on a springy day makes me feel very nautical, like our school is by the beach and not the mountains.

And I am about to meet my lovely small group leader/awesomely good frand Melissa for lunch.

Good day indeed. THANK YOU GOD FOR NOT LETTING ME TOTALLY SPAZ DURING MY SPEECH AMEN GOODBYE FOLKS.

Slowly but surely....

getting through this week. I texted my dad today saying "I love you Daddy!" He of course responded with I love you Kimberly, and not I love you Kim. Which always makes me smile. He's the only one who calls me Kimberly. And the only who I allow to. It's his name. I mean it was his idea to name me Kimberly. Anywho he told me not to worry about this situation, he didn't want me to be distracted from my school work. He told me to "Pray for God's comfort and courage right now. Lean on him." And to read Romans 8. Which is a coinkeedink because I've been reading Romans. It was just nice to hear those words coming from the man who's job is being taken away from him in a month. It's very inspiring. And I can feel God working through those I surround myself with. Or maybe that's just them being nice. Either way. Well. I don't know. Not going to try to understand God fully, He is compli!! But good :D

I am going to listen to my dad and read Romans Yalllll!

Not good news..

My dad told me he would be let go from his job at the end of March. I knew they were going to let go sections of his work, it's just sad to here my dad say it. It's scary not knowing what is going to happen.

Not knowing if I'll be in my house a year from now.

And selfishly, that is what saddens me the most. I mean, I know that I should be more concerned about my father finding a job, but I trust that the Lord will help us. We'll all stick together and pull through.

But this whole my house thing is something that is just going to happen if we move. It will no longer be the house I have lived in since I was born. It won't be my front yard that never could grow grass, the sidewalk taken so many times to lead me to the big red door, the spot next to it that Bo always layed in, the pineapple wall paper, the green carpet in our family room, my little room. That won't be mine. It will change. I don't know how to explain it, it just hurts.

Aside from that, which is just, I don't even want to think about too much, my little brother is going to be in the middle of high school. I feel so bad for him. And my mom has friends here, it just. Ugh. I don't know.

And then just my dad. I feel really bad for him. My family just needs prayer, for our happiness, for my dad looking for a job, for us to not give up and to keep relying on God. I do, for me though it's just I'm sad about moving. Which is something that might be unavoidable. And I'm just going to be sad about it for a little while. No one said life was easy.

Small Groupie!

Small group was awesome today like Steph said :D

Dinner was hilarious as usual. Melissa and I are just crazy together, we are kind of soul mates in that department I believe. Tis lovely.

It was nice to see Paige back at small group again! I've missed her!

We played some fun games, including ... psychiatrist which was funny, and then telephone. We definitely messed up some of those messages...... all Imma say is "eating little people sandwhiches" Yes. This is our small group :D

What we talked about was helpful. I cuss like a sailor so I need to work on that, but we mainly focused on gossip or just saying mean things about other people. You can say so many good things but you can turn around and say so many hurtful things too. It really made me think about.. thinking about... my words. Haha. Not to complicate things.

Warm weather is awesome.

Not getting to share the happiness that good weather and feelings bring with the guy you love, not awesome.

Especially when you know he's having tons of fun with all of his best friends back home. Rawr. Ok. I'll stop venting. It is what it is.

Quotes

Several good Bible quotes I came across todizay:

Oh wait. I guess they're all supposed to be good. Well. You know what I mean jelly bean. Or do you?? Eh? Eh? Ok. ADD.

"I can will what is right but I cannot do it." Romans 7:18

I guess tis saying I can try to be perfect, good. But. I'm not going to be. Not always.

These are all from Romans BTDUBSSS because I'm going through Romans chapter by chapter ahora.

"There is therefore no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."

What a relief.

"For in hope we were saved." Holla! Hope Hope Hope! Reminds me of Hefty Hefty Hefty!

This is random and not complete but I liked this little snippet "God, who searches the heart." It's nice to know he knows what is IN YOUR HEART, even if you don't say it correctly in prayer. I think. Is what it's saying. Mer....

THEN THESE ARE LIKE MY FAVORITE OF THE NIGHT PEEPS SO LISTEN UP OR READ UP OR LOOK UP! WELL DON'T REALLY BECAUSE YOU'LL MISS IT THEN I'LL HAVE TO START OVER!

"Who will separate us from the love of Christ?"

for example, hardship. distress. persecution. As stated in this Book we read. But then it says::::

"No, in all these things WE ARE MORE THAN CONQUERORS through Him who loved us." BAM A LAM! Good night!

Facebook

So I was on facebook looking at people's pictures and I thought to myself, "geez I am a creeper and I have no life."

But then I realized, yes, I could be spending my time more wisely, but I honestly am just intrigued by people... hence why I am a psychology major. I love looking at pictures, I guess that's the main thing. I love looking at people's expressions, body language, how they've changed over the years, months.

I was looking at my cousin's facebook for example. I don't remember how many years it has been since I've seen him, four maybe? He's probably about 14 now, which is a big change from being 10. I'll see him this summer, but it's kind of weird to think how different 14 is from 10, and 19 is from 15 or 16, which is how old I was when I was last in New Jersey to see that part of my family.

Mer. But yeah. I love looking at people's pics. Tis interesante.

Guys! It has been such a pretty day here!! Yay!

It has been a good day so far :D

-In GCOM we've been watching Hitch, which is HILARIOUS. I want to own it already. LOVE.

-In Spanish I got a B on a test that we get to re-take on Monday. Holla!

-I went to UREC, biked for 30 minutes, then stretched (gymnast stretching, yah I go hardcore) which I hadn't done in forevs. I'm so stiff. I don't like it! So it was good to get back into the groove of that. I also did some curl ups and other stomach exercises. Working out is very relaxing to me. Rawr. I miss working out 6 days a week for 4 hours a day. HA just kidding but it's a change. And I do miss being really athletic.

-On top of all that, it's just beautiful outside! The weather definitely makes a difference on my mood. This is good when the weather is awesome, not so much when it's not. Whatevs. I'm livin in the moment yawwllll. Like my southern drawl? Yeah. You do.

I really need to dance right now!!! With all my gurlfrands! Not that I have a ton of those here but. YEAHHH! Especially to Kesha. Especially to the Harold Song by her. Love it. Best dancing song for me. YEssssss.

Monday

Today was a pretty satisfying Monday.

We started watching Hitched in GCOM. I've never seent that movie. Tis funny so far. Will Smith is awesome. Don't tell me Will Smith isn't awesome.

I had a Spanish test however, and that was a little yucky. But it's done with.

Thennnn I got lunch with Meghan, Hannah, and Bea at Green's, my favorite place on earth. It was chocolate day.

Then I went with Meghan to take the ISST test, a mandatory test we have to take to graduate. I totally bs-ed it, but passed! Holla!

I went to my stats professor's office hours after that for 2 hours. He actually gave me hope of not failing in that class, he's super nice. Thank you God for letting me have a nice,friendly math teacher. Never thought I'd see the day.....

Then Meghan and I went to a concert for her music class, it wasn't bad. Then we got Dukes, and I went to Carrier. Which is where I am now. Lala. But yeah. Pretty good Monday folks!

G'day mate.

Amazing day. Love my boy. More later. Prepare for pictures.

:D :D :D :D

Today:

came home. Went to shafer with eric. vcu's food isn't bad... fine! it's good! merrrr.

then we went to hollywood cemetary. took some cool pics. of course my camera cord is in eric's trunk, so, i can't show them. but it was really fun. me gusta mucho. and i am very excited for his surprise tomorrow. and bottom's up. and it is my mom's bday holla at ya girrrrl!!! :D

lub lub.

I wish I had my own talk show sometimes...

Every morning should start with a dance session in your underwear.

I did that this morning.

And it was very fun.

Thank you for joining me in my ridiculousness Kesha, it was very therapeutic.

it must be true love......

And now ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the boy that "as a perfect gentleman, i suppose i'd let you eat me first." if we layed on a couch together forever because I'd starve....... Eric Hoyt!!!

Rewind.... and Play.

So yesterday night I finally just broke down. I had been feeling off lately and I couldn't explain it to myself, much less explain it to others who were worried about me. I think last night was just the last straw, the breaking point. I've been quite confused in my faith and religion. I hadn't recognized that until last night though.

Here's the thing. I grew up as a Lutheran. I was raised in a Lutheran church. Since the day I was born. I grew up there, got confirmed there, experienced all of my religion there. Lutherans believe certain things. And I have forgotten some of them.

-Salvation by Grace through Faith.

I had forgotten that. For the past... 6 months, I have been trying to work for God's love. I don't think I've realized it all the time, but it's true. I have been trying to get something I just can't get. I cannot reach perfection with God. So don't worry over it Kimmay. By praying more, by reading the Bible more, by trying to push mean thoughts out of my mind, by looking down on people who aren't perfect or trying to be, none of that will make God love me more and I forgot that. And that is so not good.

-The Scripture

That is our guide. The end. Listen to the Bible. It's there. That's what Lutherans believe. The Bible yall. DA. BIBLE. Ok that's enough.

And I'm tired so I don't feel like typing anything else about what Lutherans believe because it's a lot. He was a cool dude.

But last night was just so refreshing for me. I've never personally felt or heard God talk to me or whatever, but last night I think I did.. And it wasn't anything magnificent, because like my dad explained, it's not always God talking loudly to you. He said sometimes it's a whisper. And I think that's what it was. I just couldn't decide if I wanted to go on the 1822 retreat, but I had this feeling that if I didn't go I was bad, and if I didn't pray about it I was bad, and if I didn't hear God tell me something I was bad, and if I just wanted to go home to spend time with my boyfriend I was bad. You see the pattern? I just didn't know what was right, who was right, what God was anymore. I couldn't take it... I didn't know what to think. And I just had this feeling to call my dad because I was so lost. I was sobbing, confused, and I didn't even know what was wrong with me. I'm pretty sure God helped me call my dad, because it wasn't even like a second thought. It was "bam call Dad because there is no one else stronger in faith and knowing freakin ERRYTHING about religion than my Dadddy." It was like... wait... why did I call dad? It was like... I was definitely guided. Which was awesome.

But that was just before our conversation. I wish I could relive those moments, it was so awesome. I called his phone, he didn't answer. I didn't even hesitate afterwards to call my house. That was the first time I called home to talk to my dad, it's usually my mom. Not that I have a bad relationship with him, it's just, I usually update my mom and call her to comfort me instead of him. But my mom answered and I was just like "I need Dad."

So he got on the phone, and you know when someone asks you to explain why you're crying, you just cry more? Yeah. Totally one of those moments. So I explained to him everything about the retreat and whatnot, and he was like Kim slow down, relax... but pshhhhh I couldn't. Haha. So I just remember the first thing he said to me, in a very assertive, not even fully comforting, just assertive, matter of fact voice, was "Kim. God loves you. Jesus LOVES YOU." And I just lost it and started crying and that right there just comforted me and relieved me to no end.

Because I forgot. I forgot that. That is an awful thing to forget. That is just the worst feeling. No wonder I was so lost.

His conversation was just so helpful. Because I explained to him how I had been feeling bad and not good enough. And he said "Kim. There is nothing you can do to get right with God." I think I said that yesterday. Whatever. It's just. So nice to hear. And so true. I just forgot. I've been trying to be little miss goody two shoes. That's not me. That's not God. That's not what religion is about. That wasn't giving me brownie points and it wasn't bringing me closer to God. It made me want to get away from God.

He was like Kim. You not going on this retreat won't make God not love you. Maybe you need a break. Maybe you'll meet someone home that will speak to you. Maybe you need alone time with God.

It was just nice to hear. And then he prayed for me on the phone which was very comforting. My dad's voice gets all comforty sounding when he prays. I wish I could remember every single thing he said but I can't :(

But then I talked to my mom a little just to say goodbye but she talked to me a little about religion too, which was helpful also.

I just said I had been feeling like a bad christian because I couldn't hear what God was saying and stuff. And I had been doubting things, because I always heard people say, "does God want me to do this, does God want me to do that, does God want me to date him, does God want me to go there" and my mom said "you don't have to pray about everything. He knows what's in your heart and mind." and that was helpful too.

Bah. I just need to think about some things. I don't know if I am where I'm supposed to be in the religious aspect of my life here. I am definitely excited to go to my home church this sunday, and I think I'm going to look into going to a Lutheran church here.

For anyone who bothered to read this, thanks and sorry!!

Weight lifted.

A weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I miss the old God. I miss the one I used to know, the one that loved me for me, if I cussed, if I said sorry, if I failed, if I sinned, if I prayed the wrong way, if I went on a retreat or not, if I decided for myself what I wanted to do, if I asked him to help me make decisions but to not make every decision for me. Because ultimately, the Bible tells you what to do. He will help me to make decisions for myself. He will guide me. He will not spell out every single thing I need to do. He loves me. HE LOVES ME. Whether I go on a retreat or not. Whether I turn my back on him for 30 years. Whether I doubt him, then beg Him to take me back. There is nothing I can do to make God love me. Jesus died for that. For my sins. I can't do anything to get "right" with God. I am only human. It is all him. It isn't me. I'm just a little girl, I can do nothing to be perfect, good, deserving of his love. And I have forgotten that. I don't think I've ever felt God, but I definitely did tonight. It was a good experience. It took calling my dad to hear His true word, the word I had been missing for several months now. There's a lot I need to think about and change, but at least I know God will LOVE me the WHOLE TIME. I miss Him. And I haven't seen this God in a while. I have been trying to make up my own version of God. I am so excited for this. I am so relieved. I feel loved.

The sun is up

the sky is blue

it's beautiful

and so are youuuu.

Oh Beatles.

:D

Yesterday whilst I was in Carrier, I was sitting in my favorite spot upstairs and the clouds were moving really fast across the sky. Like in movies when they fast forward the clouds to make everything more dramatic, yeah it was like that.

It made me want to lay on the ground and watch them. We all wanna sit on the ground and just watch things, don't even deny it fool. It's just that we have so much going on... I just want to lay down and watch clouds roll through the sky and not have to worry about standing up for a while. Sigh. A girl can dream about being able to dream can't she??

It isn't fair.

I hate that phrase.

I hate "Life's not fair" even more. Why can't it be?

Shouldn't I be ecstatic to wake up everyday, why aren't I?

Is that ok? Is this ok?

"Harry Potter You Ruin Everything!!"

Picture kinda mood.

Ocho Meses

So Eric posted about our 8th month so I will too.

Well 8 months obviously isn't as significant as 6 months or a year or anything but it's still one more month of being with someone, so I'm at least going to blog about it! Duh!

It has been amazing. He is seriously the nicest boy I know. I give him crap a lot unintentionally but he is never mean to me. We never get in fights, mostly because we just talk everything out. I love it. I love him. He is just so sweet :D And the best friend a silly little girl like me could ask for, and needs.

Long distance gets rough at times and I get pretty sad about it, but I wouldn't trade our relationship for anything.

"i remember thinking that you were straight beautiful the whole night"

dawww. talkin bout our first date. thanks Erique. I love you :D

When I need a study break...

Wonderfully Made

Last night's small group was totally awesome dude! I really liked it and got a lot out of it.

It was all about body image which is really pertinent to me because I definitely struggle with that on a daily basis.

Some of the things we talked about are how we view our bodies: through comparisons, always finding something wrong or to fix, trying to meet a man made standard, hiding things we aren't fixing.

Then we read some Bible verses that were really helpful. The first one was psalm 139:

-one verse said we were "fearfully and wonderfully made." Wonderfully is an awesome word. God made us that way one purpose... that freckle on your cheek.. yeah that's there on purpose. (that's for me haha)

- it also stressed that the only one you should care about in respects to your body is God... He made you and He made everyone else so they have nothing over you... only He does and obviously He loves your body.. He made it.

Another point was that God doesn't make trash... you making fun of that kid's hair or nose is kind of making fun of something God made. You wouldn't go up to someone's art project and smash it into pieces; they spent a lot of time on that. So you shouldn't bash someone on how they look or God on the people He created. And if anything else, do you think that person had a choice in the genes they received? No.

-Another one I liked was Isaiah 43:7: "because you are precious in my sight, and honored, and I love you." Precious is a nice word isn't it??? Makes me feel cute.

We ALSOOO talked about how to be a woman in Christ. Which was again. Helpful:

-don't always seek attention. have confidence. know you are beautiful but be humble about it. BE CONTENT. And more modern day-ish, don't pour over the latest fashion. let it be. clothes are pieces of thread put together by a machine... it shouldn't define you.

Sorry this is so long yall. I don't like long posts. My b. But one more thing, it is probably honestly my FAVORITE VERSE NOW!!!! :D

"YOU ARE ALTOGETHER BEAUTIFUL, MY LOVE; THERE IS NO FLAW IN YOU." SONG OF SOLOMON 4:7

Sorry for the caps but it is just the best verse ever! it is beautiful! We are beeeeeeutiful. God likes my weird hair, my little eyelashes, the boogers in my nose, my not pierced cartilage, my less than C/D boobs, my not flat stomach, my kinda big butt, my thunder thighs, my big feet. He loves me. So. Raise the roof or something like that.