Monday, February 7, 2011
A weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I miss the old God. I miss the one I used to know, the one that loved me for me, if I cussed, if I said sorry, if I failed, if I sinned, if I prayed the wrong way, if I went on a retreat or not, if I decided for myself what I wanted to do, if I asked him to help me make decisions but to not make every decision for me. Because ultimately, the Bible tells you what to do. He will help me to make decisions for myself. He will guide me. He will not spell out every single thing I need to do. He loves me. HE LOVES ME. Whether I go on a retreat or not. Whether I turn my back on him for 30 years. Whether I doubt him, then beg Him to take me back. There is nothing I can do to make God love me. Jesus died for that. For my sins. I can't do anything to get "right" with God. I am only human. It is all him. It isn't me. I'm just a little girl, I can do nothing to be perfect, good, deserving of his love. And I have forgotten that. I don't think I've ever felt God, but I definitely did tonight. It was a good experience. It took calling my dad to hear His true word, the word I had been missing for several months now. There's a lot I need to think about and change, but at least I know God will LOVE me the WHOLE TIME. I miss Him. And I haven't seen this God in a while. I have been trying to make up my own version of God. I am so excited for this. I am so relieved. I feel loved.