Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Rewind.... and Play.

So yesterday night I finally just broke down. I had been feeling off lately and I couldn't explain it to myself, much less explain it to others who were worried about me. I think last night was just the last straw, the breaking point. I've been quite confused in my faith and religion. I hadn't recognized that until last night though.

Here's the thing. I grew up as a Lutheran. I was raised in a Lutheran church. Since the day I was born. I grew up there, got confirmed there, experienced all of my religion there. Lutherans believe certain things. And I have forgotten some of them.

-Salvation by Grace through Faith.
I had forgotten that. For the past... 6 months, I have been trying to work for God's love. I don't think I've realized it all the time, but it's true. I have been trying to get something I just can't get. I cannot reach perfection with God. So don't worry over it Kimmay. By praying more, by reading the Bible more, by trying to push mean thoughts out of my mind, by looking down on people who aren't perfect or trying to be, none of that will make God love me more and I forgot that. And that is so not good.

-The Scripture
That is our guide. The end. Listen to the Bible. It's there. That's what Lutherans believe. The Bible yall. DA. BIBLE. Ok that's enough.

And I'm tired so I don't feel like typing anything else about what Lutherans believe because it's a lot. He was a cool dude.

But last night was just so refreshing for me. I've never personally felt or heard God talk to me or whatever, but last night I think I did.. And it wasn't anything magnificent, because like my dad explained, it's not always God talking loudly to you. He said sometimes it's a whisper. And I think that's what it was. I just couldn't decide if I wanted to go on the 1822 retreat, but I had this feeling that if I didn't go I was bad, and if I didn't pray about it I was bad, and if I didn't hear God tell me something I was bad, and if I just wanted to go home to spend time with my boyfriend I was bad. You see the pattern? I just didn't know what was right, who was right, what God was anymore. I couldn't take it... I didn't know what to think. And I just had this feeling to call my dad because I was so lost. I was sobbing, confused, and I didn't even know what was wrong with me. I'm pretty sure God helped me call my dad, because it wasn't even like a second thought. It was "bam call Dad because there is no one else stronger in faith and knowing freakin ERRYTHING about religion than my Dadddy." It was like... wait... why did I call dad? It was like... I was definitely guided. Which was awesome.

But that was just before our conversation. I wish I could relive those moments, it was so awesome. I called his phone, he didn't answer. I didn't even hesitate afterwards to call my house. That was the first time I called home to talk to my dad, it's usually my mom. Not that I have a bad relationship with him, it's just, I usually update my mom and call her to comfort me instead of him. But my mom answered and I was just like "I need Dad."

So he got on the phone, and you know when someone asks you to explain why you're crying, you just cry more? Yeah. Totally one of those moments. So I explained to him everything about the retreat and whatnot, and he was like Kim slow down, relax... but pshhhhh I couldn't. Haha. So I just remember the first thing he said to me, in a very assertive, not even fully comforting, just assertive, matter of fact voice, was "Kim. God loves you. Jesus LOVES YOU." And I just lost it and started crying and that right there just comforted me and relieved me to no end.
Because I forgot. I forgot that. That is an awful thing to forget. That is just the worst feeling. No wonder I was so lost.

His conversation was just so helpful. Because I explained to him how I had been feeling bad and not good enough. And he said "Kim. There is nothing you can do to get right with God." I think I said that yesterday. Whatever. It's just. So nice to hear. And so true. I just forgot. I've been trying to be little miss goody two shoes. That's not me. That's not God. That's not what religion is about. That wasn't giving me brownie points and it wasn't bringing me closer to God. It made me want to get away from God.

He was like Kim. You not going on this retreat won't make God not love you. Maybe you need a break. Maybe you'll meet someone home that will speak to you. Maybe you need alone time with God.

It was just nice to hear. And then he prayed for me on the phone which was very comforting. My dad's voice gets all comforty sounding when he prays. I wish I could remember every single thing he said but I can't :(

But then I talked to my mom a little just to say goodbye but she talked to me a little about religion too, which was helpful also.

I just said I had been feeling like a bad christian because I couldn't hear what God was saying and stuff. And I had been doubting things, because I always heard people say, "does God want me to do this, does God want me to do that, does God want me to date him, does God want me to go there" and my mom said "you don't have to pray about everything. He knows what's in your heart and mind." and that was helpful too.

Bah. I just need to think about some things. I don't know if I am where I'm supposed to be in the religious aspect of my life here. I am definitely excited to go to my home church this sunday, and I think I'm going to look into going to a Lutheran church here.

For anyone who bothered to read this, thanks and sorry!!

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