Monday, August 9, 2010
Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in the same place and there's nothing I can ever do to get out of it. Yeah I'm leaving for college soon but I'll still have the same expectations. I hate the way I feel sometimes and I hate how the majority of my stupid blogs are about how pissed off I am. I hate how I can't ask "why" because I'll get in trouble. I hate how every little thing makes you mad when there are so many little things that should make you happy. Everything has to be right. Everthing's either black or white.. there's no in between. I keep saying the same thing over and over and over again because nothing changes and that's just how I feel. You do something to hurt my feelings but the next second you're nice and you buy me something I need and I can't be mad at you. You demand my love but I don't really feel it. You force me to say it but it's just out of habit. You don't realize the things you say are hurtful... or the tone you say it in. Even if it's not to me. Even when it's to someone you and I care about it hurts me when you hurt them. It makes me mad because you take people for granted without realizing it. "Wait til you've been married for 26 years then you'll understand, Kim." No I don't think I'll ever understand you. I don't want to. And what scares me the most is that I see you in myself. It scares me because I don't want to be like you at all. You're inconsiderate, unreasonable, judgemental, irrational, impatient and I can't stand it. But I'm like that too... at least a little. You point that out to me and it messes me up because you're what I'm running from. If I'm like that then what am I running from now? Myself? How do you do that? I'm happy when I'm not here. I go to people's houses and I wish I could be part of their family for a while. And I don't wish you were dead and I don't hate you and I do love you. But you make it hard sometimes. You make me want to be gone all day. And I am gone all day. You feel hurt because I don't want to spend time with you but it's not possible. It's against human nature to gravitate towards something that hurts them. It's my defense mechanism to get away..my bad. You confuse me; I don't know how to feel. Most of all you hurt me and I can't do anything about it.